Its been awhile.
I almost forgot about this.
A lot of things have changed since my last post. we've moved again but that should come as no surprise. We actually have our own home now. I regretted the choice at first base on the amount of work that needed to be put into the house but if anything it just made the bond stronger to it. I care about this house a lot. A lot of time, effort, thought and work have gone into making it too even where it is today and there's still plenty to do.
Instead of dreading that like i have in the past, I look forward to it. I discover something new about it all the time it seems. Change my mind about a certain attitude towards it, or idea as well.
That thought apply to my life as well. It's .... "funny" to me how a simple thing like watching a movie or hearing a song can totally change my mood. I've been feeling very restless lately. I know why... but the reasons effect me greatly. Mot as greatly as one would expect though, I know i'm sounding cryptic but... secrets are meant to be hidden sometimes...
Watching the movie: The Secret of Kells this morning made me feel peaceful. Made me feel creative, calmed and settled. It made me feel like myself. Something that has been lacking lately.
Also these songs : Lana Del Ray - Born to Die & Major Lazer- Get Free have this effect on me last as well.
I think i'll be writing more... we'll see.
11/27/2012
2/15/2011
New Ideas
I think I'll broach this blog with a new idea....
"Random thoughts" ; "Songs that have inspired me today" ; and possible "Rants" are going to be the new categories :)
Random Thoughts
"Random thoughts" ; "Songs that have inspired me today" ; and possible "Rants" are going to be the new categories :)
Random Thoughts
- I do not website designs were to go to "older entries" I have to hit a left sided button.... It feels completely backwards. (In a literal sense as well applies here too I suppose)
- It bothers me how much I over think or over prepare for everything. I feel like because I do this I often set up people around me for failure.
- I feel like I've been on a emotional roller coaster lately. Extreme highs and extreme lows (and yes i know I've just described bipolar/depression) BUT it's all based off of outside influence.
- People that have no regard to others emotions and are just plain rude... can suck a homeless leper's ingrown toenail!
That is all for today :)
7/15/2010
7/07/2010
Let me say I'm watching one of my favorite movies of all time courtesy of Netflix today.
Throughly Modern Millie.
Let me explain why:
Throughly Modern Millie.
Let me explain why:
Julie Andrews.
&
Mary Tyler Moore.
In the same movie.
If that isn't heaven... I clearly don't know what is.
Now please excuse me... I must give this movie my undivided attention.
6/27/2010
Sade
Nothing Can Come Between Us lyrics
I always hope that you remember
We'll never really learn the meaning of it all
What we have is strong and tender
So hold on
In the middle of the madness
When the time is running out and you're left alone
All I want is you to know that
It's strong still
Can't pull us apart
Nothing can come
Between us
Nothing can pull us apart
Can come
Between us
I always hope that you remember
What we have is strong and tender
In the middle of the madness
Hold on
So it truly is a good thing
And I always wanted you to know
There is always this
And this is everlasting
Hold on
It's about faith
It's about trust, yeah yeah
It's about faith
It's about trust
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
I always hope that you remember
We'll never really learn the meaning of it all
What we have is strong and tender
So hold on
In the middle of the madness
When the time is running out and you're left alone
All I want is you to know that
It's strong still
Can't pull us apart
Nothing can come
Between us
Nothing can pull us apart
Can come
Between us
I always hope that you remember
What we have is strong and tender
In the middle of the madness
Hold on
So it truly is a good thing
And I always wanted you to know
There is always this
And this is everlasting
Hold on
It's about faith
It's about trust, yeah yeah
It's about faith
It's about trust
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
6/17/2010
Listening to my past
As stated from the previous posts.... I suppose what it all it boils down to: I'm bitter and resentful.
I HATE saying that.
I do not like nor wish to add those traits to my character analysis. They should not be there and as a follower in faith of Christ's teachings they DO NOT belong there.
I sit and question endlessly WHY I am... HOW I am... but then in deep through the process of understanding some type of resentful or bitter memory rears forth and bursts my struggle to break free.
I had a very ... profoundly life changing event happen 4 years ago. The only thing, truly, that brought me through that was my faith. There was a particular night in fact that I had a dream that made me realize how much I needed to rely on Christ.
I was all alone in my parents house wondering where and how to continue on with life, struggling my way through the memories, the very feeling of sinking deeper and deeper into a realm of darkness was ever present. I had drifted off into a restless sleep.
I don’t remember really how it started I just remembered all of a sudden being there. When I was there I first noticed just how black everything was, it was blacker then just plain black, and it was complete darkness. Emptiness, Loneliness and the feeling of complete despair was surrounding me.
Then the whispering started, they weren’t necessary all my sins but they were sins that everyone commits on a daily basis. Fingers came out then and started to trickle all over my surroundings. They were from the whispers, they then started to grope me all over, not in a sexual way, but it a way that confided me. I then started calling out for people I knew and loved; family,loved ones, some friends. Mostly of our despire and fear, I couldn't escape or move for that matter it seemed, I needed someone.
The whispering continued still and their fingers continued to move and confide. Nothing I was doing up to that point was helping. I saw a light then, a flash and then it was gone. So breif that if my eyes still hadn't burned from it's intensity I wouldn't have thought it had been there. Then a sudden stream shot through above me once again.
I tried to move forward but their fingers seemed to multiply and hold one to me still. It was then that I started to pray and quote scripture. The hands and fingers would aid and hinder at the same time depending on what I would recite I kept struggling and praying and striving towards the light. It seemed that I would finally get there and the light would shift and move somewhere else. I could only move when I was quoting and praying. I never got frustrated at the light, I only got frustrated with the whispers, their whispering had gotten louder and their fingers multiplying still. It seemed like the more I prayed and quoted the louder and more confiding they tried to become. I felt like it was because of them on me that the light kept moving.
The scriptures I was quoting were in full verse as well. Usually the verses I remember are in words, pieces, or mostly meaning not full complete verse. The one that I remember the most was when Jesus was tempted my Satan in the desert. I remember quoting that one because it seemed like while I was saying “water”, “bread”, “mountain” those scenes would flash before me.
They were truly VIVID scenes that would flash as well as if they were in the room with me, directly in front of me. I knew I was gaining on the whispering fingers after a while, but it seemed like I was getting nowhere and the helplessness was almost setting in. I had began to felt weak and tiresome, I stop struggling for a moment and leaned into the fingers for support, they softened and started to caress me as if to say "we'll hold you, rest now". But it was then that I prayed “Please Jesus Just let this Torture stop”.
I was then instantly awake and in my room. I felt like I shouldn’t have been there, it took my about 30 seconds to possibly a minute to recognize my room and realize where I actually was. My whole body was twitching and tingly as if I could still FEEL the fingers. The darkness of the night and room started to scare me and remind me of where I was so I turned on the lamp besides my bed, willing my body to calm down. My heart wasn't racing , just my body and mind. I felt confused and unsure of what just had happened to me. It took me awhile to realize myself as well, it seemed like I was re entering my body and had to remilitarize myself with it. I then laid back down and fell asleep with the light still on, not wanting the whispering fingers to come back.
I still think back to that moment and that dream quite frequently whenever I feel any type of flaw in myself come forth. Those whispered sins... Those voices.... The fingers. The complete and utter frustration towards my situation and how I couldn't do anything but listen to the torture, listen to the sins.Strive towards the light.
I do not like feeling my soul have bitterness and resentfulness, it makes me feel like I'm a part of those hands holding somebody else back because they need to HEAR my story. They need to HEAR why I am bitter, why I am resentful. But truly.... they have their own struggle and I need to start looking for the light again.
I HATE saying that.
I do not like nor wish to add those traits to my character analysis. They should not be there and as a follower in faith of Christ's teachings they DO NOT belong there.
I sit and question endlessly WHY I am... HOW I am... but then in deep through the process of understanding some type of resentful or bitter memory rears forth and bursts my struggle to break free.
I had a very ... profoundly life changing event happen 4 years ago. The only thing, truly, that brought me through that was my faith. There was a particular night in fact that I had a dream that made me realize how much I needed to rely on Christ.
I was all alone in my parents house wondering where and how to continue on with life, struggling my way through the memories, the very feeling of sinking deeper and deeper into a realm of darkness was ever present. I had drifted off into a restless sleep.
I don’t remember really how it started I just remembered all of a sudden being there. When I was there I first noticed just how black everything was, it was blacker then just plain black, and it was complete darkness. Emptiness, Loneliness and the feeling of complete despair was surrounding me.
Then the whispering started, they weren’t necessary all my sins but they were sins that everyone commits on a daily basis. Fingers came out then and started to trickle all over my surroundings. They were from the whispers, they then started to grope me all over, not in a sexual way, but it a way that confided me. I then started calling out for people I knew and loved; family,loved ones, some friends. Mostly of our despire and fear, I couldn't escape or move for that matter it seemed, I needed someone.
The whispering continued still and their fingers continued to move and confide. Nothing I was doing up to that point was helping. I saw a light then, a flash and then it was gone. So breif that if my eyes still hadn't burned from it's intensity I wouldn't have thought it had been there. Then a sudden stream shot through above me once again.
I tried to move forward but their fingers seemed to multiply and hold one to me still. It was then that I started to pray and quote scripture. The hands and fingers would aid and hinder at the same time depending on what I would recite I kept struggling and praying and striving towards the light. It seemed that I would finally get there and the light would shift and move somewhere else. I could only move when I was quoting and praying. I never got frustrated at the light, I only got frustrated with the whispers, their whispering had gotten louder and their fingers multiplying still. It seemed like the more I prayed and quoted the louder and more confiding they tried to become. I felt like it was because of them on me that the light kept moving.
The scriptures I was quoting were in full verse as well. Usually the verses I remember are in words, pieces, or mostly meaning not full complete verse. The one that I remember the most was when Jesus was tempted my Satan in the desert. I remember quoting that one because it seemed like while I was saying “water”, “bread”, “mountain” those scenes would flash before me.
They were truly VIVID scenes that would flash as well as if they were in the room with me, directly in front of me. I knew I was gaining on the whispering fingers after a while, but it seemed like I was getting nowhere and the helplessness was almost setting in. I had began to felt weak and tiresome, I stop struggling for a moment and leaned into the fingers for support, they softened and started to caress me as if to say "we'll hold you, rest now". But it was then that I prayed “Please Jesus Just let this Torture stop”.
I was then instantly awake and in my room. I felt like I shouldn’t have been there, it took my about 30 seconds to possibly a minute to recognize my room and realize where I actually was. My whole body was twitching and tingly as if I could still FEEL the fingers. The darkness of the night and room started to scare me and remind me of where I was so I turned on the lamp besides my bed, willing my body to calm down. My heart wasn't racing , just my body and mind. I felt confused and unsure of what just had happened to me. It took me awhile to realize myself as well, it seemed like I was re entering my body and had to remilitarize myself with it. I then laid back down and fell asleep with the light still on, not wanting the whispering fingers to come back.
I still think back to that moment and that dream quite frequently whenever I feel any type of flaw in myself come forth. Those whispered sins... Those voices.... The fingers. The complete and utter frustration towards my situation and how I couldn't do anything but listen to the torture, listen to the sins.Strive towards the light.
I do not like feeling my soul have bitterness and resentfulness, it makes me feel like I'm a part of those hands holding somebody else back because they need to HEAR my story. They need to HEAR why I am bitter, why I am resentful. But truly.... they have their own struggle and I need to start looking for the light again.
6/15/2010
Tug of War
So I've been playing this game for the last few days. As in since Sat. Evening. It's Sims 3
I used to play the Sims when I was in college or high school or something... ( gosh that's sad I can't remember... ) but anyway ... I got really into then and now I am again. I also have come to conclude WHY I get so addicted as well.
I used to play the Sims when I was in college or high school or something... ( gosh that's sad I can't remember... ) but anyway ... I got really into then and now I am again. I also have come to conclude WHY I get so addicted as well.
- The building of the house. I LOVE it. I think it's the funnest part of the game... It's just super interesting and completely distracting too me.
- The distraction in general. It's on of the few games that clears my head of thought. I don't have a "i should..." "i need...." or "crap..." going on at all. It's not like I zone out b/c well... I have a 1 year old... I can't... BUT it stops the worry
- The money spending and career goals. I have said once before how I use Retail Therapy to mule through things and when you have a young family, it's not a good form of therapy for sure. In the game... you can become a millionaire in a day and spend spend spend... SO... it takes that need away for me. Careers in it excel super fast... you get promoted and move up and on really fast. Again...it's another "me living through the game" moment. It's not like i want to be super wealthy or have a super busy crazy job. I just like the "having a nest and feeling comfortable" aspect of it. Where in real life it's more like "let's see.... diapers or 3 days worth of food?" ... thhht. :P
But...yea there's some few things I've mulled over. Now let's explain WHY I've had to mull over. Ever since i started playing... Sat. Evening mind you... Proto Man is going crazy that I'm addicted. He's acting like a little kid almost at times with whining about how I need to get off. I'm not neglecting any duties, I'm not spending LONG hours playing... but he's insistent that I'm "addicted" and constantly nags me about it. I did play until 3am that first night. (yes i know thats late) and he FREAKED. " i can't believe you stayed up that late, if you talk about being tired today i'm not sympathetic, we have a baby "what if she woke up at 4 or 5?! you would have only gotten an hour of sleep" So... yea some are valid points but I looked beyond that and just kept hearing the selfishness of it.
Proto Man is selfish in many aspects. It's the unknowing but also not caring selfish. He's the kind of selfish that if we're all at a party he'll have 2nds or 3rds w/o asking if everyone has had 1sts yet. and if called out on it he'll just shrug and say "opps" or "my bad" or "oh sorry" but then continue to load his plate.
but yea... I don't like being accused of being addicted to something after 2 days of playing it (where again really...he HAS no room to talk about games or technology time spending) and also being accused of playing the game during T's naps as "what about our baby?!" talks to come forth.
blah!!! i'm just upset. and of course... same ol' same ol' me will just bottle it up and not talk b/c I don't want to OVER explain things and listen to senseless logic.
Yes that was mean but dang it.... there's some resentment right now.
=P!
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