Listening to my past

As stated from the previous posts.... I suppose what it all it boils down to: I'm bitter and resentful.

I HATE saying that.

I do not like nor wish to add those traits to my character analysis. They should not be there and as a follower in faith of Christ's teachings they DO NOT belong there.

I sit and question endlessly WHY I am... HOW I am... but then in deep through the process of understanding some type of resentful or bitter memory rears forth and bursts my struggle to break free.

I had a very ... profoundly life changing event happen 4 years ago. The only thing, truly, that brought me through that was my faith. There was a particular night in fact that I had a dream that made me realize how much I needed to rely on Christ.

I was all alone in my parents house wondering where and how to continue on with life, struggling my way through the memories, the very feeling of sinking deeper and deeper into a realm of darkness was ever present. I had drifted off into a restless sleep.
I don’t remember really how it started I just remembered all of a sudden being there. When I was there I first noticed just how black everything was, it was blacker then just plain black, and it was complete darkness. Emptiness, Loneliness and the feeling of complete despair was surrounding me.
Then the whispering started, they weren’t necessary all my sins but they were sins that everyone commits on a daily basis. Fingers came out then and started to trickle all over my surroundings. They were from the whispers, they then started to grope me all over, not in a sexual way, but it a way that confided me. I then started calling out for people I knew and loved; family,loved ones, some friends. Mostly of our despire and fear, I couldn't escape or move for that matter it seemed, I needed someone.
The whispering continued still and their fingers continued to move and confide. Nothing I was doing up to that point was helping. I saw a light then, a flash and then it was gone. So breif that if my eyes still hadn't burned from it's intensity I wouldn't have thought it had been there. Then a sudden stream shot through above me once again.
I tried to move forward but their fingers seemed to multiply and hold one to me still.  It was then that I started to pray and quote scripture. The hands and fingers would aid and hinder at the same time depending on what I would recite I kept struggling and praying and striving towards the light. It seemed that I would finally get there and the light would shift and move somewhere else. I could only move when I was quoting and praying. I never got frustrated at the light, I only got frustrated with the whispers, their whispering had gotten louder and their fingers multiplying still. It seemed like the more I prayed and quoted the louder and more confiding they tried to become.  I felt like it was because of them on me that the light kept moving.
The scriptures I was quoting were in full verse as well. Usually the verses I remember are in words, pieces, or mostly meaning not full complete verse. The one that I remember the most was when Jesus was tempted my Satan in the desert. I remember quoting that one because it seemed like while I was saying “water”, “bread”, “mountain” those scenes would flash before me.
They were truly VIVID scenes that would flash as well as if they were in the room with me, directly in front of me.  I knew I was gaining on the whispering fingers after a while, but it seemed like I was getting nowhere and the helplessness was almost setting in. I had began to felt weak and tiresome, I stop struggling for a moment and leaned into the fingers for support, they softened and started to caress me as if to say "we'll hold you, rest now". But  it was then that I prayed “Please Jesus Just let this Torture stop”.
I was then instantly awake and in my room. I felt like I shouldn’t have been there, it took my about 30 seconds to possibly a minute to recognize my room and realize where I actually was. My whole body was twitching and tingly as if I could still FEEL the fingers. The darkness of the night and room started to scare me and remind me of where I was so I turned on the lamp besides my bed, willing my body to calm down. My heart wasn't racing , just my body and mind. I felt confused and unsure of what just had happened to me. It took me awhile to realize myself as well, it seemed like I was re entering my body and had to remilitarize myself with it.  I then laid back down and fell asleep with the light still on, not wanting the whispering fingers to come back.

I still think back to that moment and that dream quite frequently whenever I feel any type of flaw in myself come forth. Those whispered sins... Those voices.... The fingers. The complete and utter frustration towards my situation and how I couldn't do anything but listen to the torture, listen to the sins.Strive towards the light.

I do not like feeling my soul have bitterness and resentfulness, it makes me feel like I'm a part of those hands holding somebody else back because they need to HEAR my story. They need to HEAR why I am bitter, why I am resentful. But truly.... they have their own struggle and I need to start looking for the light again.