Iron Man

Very funny and true!

Life as the (wo)man on the side

We went and saw Proto Mans parents last night. We have a long going problems with them. It mostly is stemming from the point where we all avoid talking about things. There's so much history to this tale but i don't want to necessary get into it. Now it's just at the point of "playing nice" with each other. Avoiding each others feelings. Not getting to emotional one way or another in any circumstance. Yes there is no conflict or annoyance anymore but how long can this last? Do i want it to last b/c it's somewhat peaceful? Why do we all have to pretend and not act as adults?

I am also feeling that my personal feelings are being avoided in many relationships. Its getting to me as well. I almost feel as if everyone loves the fact that I'm a great stand-by for support, love, opinions, advice and laughter but then once they get their fill I get tossed aside until they need me again. But in the meantime I hang in endless limbo from feeling restless all the time.

I have long envisioned many moments of my life as a painting or a picture in my head. Different stages come through differently and i can all recollect them or tie them to certain times but I only have occasionally printed them. As a brief example this is how I feel like my life is now:

Life is beautiful, Life is bright... but I'm standing. searching. alone.

I know I'm not alone in the sense of spiritually but it's most a psychological point from here.

Man these blog posts are depressing lately. Really I am not depressed and moody, because generally I keep happy and love living my life and moments with in it. Its just I'm getting caught up in moments where I can't help but feel small and forgotten.

When money talks, I hate to Listen

Retail Therapy 

I do it a lot. I think it stems from a mixture of boredom and laziness. As I sit here with my daughter and we play around and watch yet another Baby Einstein for the 938,019,831,048 th time think about what i should be doing, what i have to pay for and how much money we have for everything.

money.. it's a evil breed of creature. it honestly creates no happiness or well intent. when you have it you feel at liberty to spend it at will and when you don't your will to spend becomes so desperate it's like the last meat on a bone in front of wolves. Proto Man and I have always had trouble will money. We don't talk about our issues until it's the moment of or past due and then we start playing the blame game. To which I either lock down and tune out or he clams up. Not a good combo when put together.

have to get going to work now...

Collective Sighs

As read from the previous post I have a problem with finishing things...or maybe its just the sense of me noticing the unfinished projects over the finished.

i started writing a Christian romance novel about 1.5 years ago now and i have yet to finish it. the publishing company i had contacted are apart of the barbour books/heartsong presents. the end product has to be 45,000 words and i'm around 32,000. i keep coming up with different ways to end it or different things to say but then i sit down in front of the computer and just stare or get sidetracked. I also am still determined to finish it though. at this point I don't even care if it's published... I just want a end product!

I've been having a lot of communication problems lately. I feel myself sheltering everything I say and even think. Not only to shield feelings but also to avoid conflict. its not that I'm thinking horrible things or even mean/bad things from people. Its a sense of wanting to be a lone or at peace that is making me avoid talking at most times in general. I just feel tired. Tired of the average. tired of the normal. tired of the routine.

don't get me wrong i truly love my family, i couldn't live without my husband or daughter. or any of my other family , they truly are my stronghold/lifeline. i just feel so restless.

this blog may help me sort through some things after all.

Hello.

I have long thought that I should start recording my thoughts. I have so many. I would like to remember them.

I have found out that I cannot keep a journal. It doesn't work. It always gets shuffled into countless other lost/forgotten/neglected projects I have laying around.

I once did a numerology test and it stated the following: "You have the ability to do a great many things(traits, hobbies, and ambitions) in life but your inability to finish things will sadly make you a master of none. "

I would like to master this if you don't mind so please.... stand aside.