Self realization #913839821 this morning:
If I don't tell other my emotions, dreams, passions and desires in my own life's plan than how are they ever going to know where to follow me? I know people that want to follow me, have requested to follow me, and desire to be with me on my life's path but I continue to ignore them with a blindfold on.
I'm being incredibly selfish. I need to lean on people, I need to open up my mouth, I need to start walking the path I want to be down. I can't continue to be scared of what others reactions with me will be and start living in my own happiness.
12/14/2012
Self Exploration through Quotes
“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”
― Mark Twain
“That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”
― Jim Morrison
“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”
― Iyanla Vanzant
“I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”
― Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye
“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”
― C. JoyBell C.
“The price tag that you put on your soul will determine the people and circumstances in which you find yourself.”
― Shannon L. Alder
“We're always taught that God wants us to always only say "I can't do this without You God" , "Whatever your will is God, that's my will too" but God says He is a father, and there is no good father who wants his children to have no will and to think that they can't stand on their own two feet. So maybe what you should be saying is "I can do it" and "I have a strong will, I know what I want." When you think God's left you and wants you to be sitting like a duck, maybe He's actually believing in you, teaching you how to fly.”
― C. JoyBell C.
“You've got to say what you mean and mean what you say...Doubt in your voice is an open door people will shove right through.”
― Deb Caletti, The Six Rules of Maybe
“Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves.”
― Ayn Rand
“There's something AMAZING about you. You owe it to yourself to fulfill your destiny. You were put on earth for a reason. Don't betray yourself because of other people opinions of who you should be. God has already implanted within you who you MEANT to be. Trust your gut instincts.”
― Yvonne Pierre,
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“Love isn’t meant to be hidden away and life is too short for shame.”
― Jay Bell, Something Like Summer
“There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.”
― Judith McNaught, Remember When
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln
“Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”
― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them
― Mark Twain
“That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”
― Jim Morrison
“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”
― Iyanla Vanzant
“I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”
― Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye
“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”
― C. JoyBell C.
“The price tag that you put on your soul will determine the people and circumstances in which you find yourself.”
― Shannon L. Alder
“We're always taught that God wants us to always only say "I can't do this without You God" , "Whatever your will is God, that's my will too" but God says He is a father, and there is no good father who wants his children to have no will and to think that they can't stand on their own two feet. So maybe what you should be saying is "I can do it" and "I have a strong will, I know what I want." When you think God's left you and wants you to be sitting like a duck, maybe He's actually believing in you, teaching you how to fly.”
― C. JoyBell C.
“You've got to say what you mean and mean what you say...Doubt in your voice is an open door people will shove right through.”
― Deb Caletti, The Six Rules of Maybe
“Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves.”
― Ayn Rand
“There's something AMAZING about you. You owe it to yourself to fulfill your destiny. You were put on earth for a reason. Don't betray yourself because of other people opinions of who you should be. God has already implanted within you who you MEANT to be. Trust your gut instincts.”
― Yvonne Pierre,
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“Love isn’t meant to be hidden away and life is too short for shame.”
― Jay Bell, Something Like Summer
“There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.”
― Judith McNaught, Remember When
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln
“Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”
― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them
Silence Sometimes Screams
The Sound Of Silence
P. Simon, 1964
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turn my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sound of silence
Ever create so much self destruction in your own life that you wonder how you're still standing?
I dont know where ground zero is anymore. I'm just floating through life, allowing outside influence bump me into actions. I need to stand on my own, I need to figure out what I want.
12/06/2012
Disappear
Katy B - Disappear lyrics
So sad that we have lost all our
Innocence*
Something that was pure is now
Covered in red
Tainted by the role to become a Woman
I thought that it'll cure
So why am I still walking... towards
You?
Right, left, my feet are
But how can I change direction
Innocence*
Something that was pure is now
Covered in red
Tainted by the role to become a Woman
I thought that it'll cure
So why am I still walking... towards
You?
Right, left, my feet are
But how can I change direction
When you smile at me, I'm infected
Now should we lie to keep each
Other here
Or tell the truth and burn
Are you the man I thought you were
Or is there more to learn
And this would be unfair to tell you that
The whole of me is here
'Cause I woke up one day to find that
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
The way that we would die
I look into your eye
I wouldn't get a dime
Now I don't see the fire
Tainted by the role to become the man
You let me where you can
Like you didn't give a damn
It's mad
How something so real
Could be so conditional
But how can I change direction
When you smile at me, I'm infected
Now should we lie to keep each
Other here
Or tell the truth and burn
Am I the girl you thought I was
Or is there more to learn?
And this would be unfair to tell you
That
The whole of me is here
I woke up one day to find that I have
Disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
Now should we lie to keep each
Other here
Or tell the truth and burn
Are you the man I thought you were
Or is there more to learn
And this would be unfair to tell you that
The whole of me is here
'Cause I woke up one day to find that
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
The way that we would die
I look into your eye
I wouldn't get a dime
Now I don't see the fire
Tainted by the role to become the man
You let me where you can
Like you didn't give a damn
It's mad
How something so real
Could be so conditional
But how can I change direction
When you smile at me, I'm infected
Now should we lie to keep each
Other here
Or tell the truth and burn
Am I the girl you thought I was
Or is there more to learn?
And this would be unfair to tell you
That
The whole of me is here
I woke up one day to find that I have
Disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
I have disappeared
Now today we have [?] turned out
Just fine
But I'm scared about tomorrow
Where I must store in my sorrow
If it's not here to taste he pride
To live, to feel
Is it real?
Is it real?
I woke up one day to find that I was
Gone
Where is the fun?
Where did our hearts go?
I can't find you, no
12/05/2012
Just reading through previous posts... Certain ones stood out to me still:
Time passes in moments... moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end.
How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.
But what if we could stop, pause; to take stock of each precious moment before it passes?
Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life?
And, seeing those choices, choose another path?
&
Life is beautiful, Life is bright... but I'm standing. searching. alone.
I'm sick of saying sorry for not being depressed or overly excusing myself. This needs to stop in my growth of becoming more of the person I feel I need to be.
Time passes in moments... moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end.
How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.
But what if we could stop, pause; to take stock of each precious moment before it passes?
Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life?
And, seeing those choices, choose another path?
&
Life is beautiful, Life is bright... but I'm standing. searching. alone.
I'm sick of saying sorry for not being depressed or overly excusing myself. This needs to stop in my growth of becoming more of the person I feel I need to be.
Forks divided
I feel like i'm being pulled in many directions.
I have a life that I lead, I feel in control of that. This holds no grey areas. This life is black or white. Right or Wrong.
There's other lives.... one with no obligations, one with pure passions, one with greed....
I want to be decluttered of all these rambling thoughts. I feel stuck in unhappiness. This sounds like depression I know but truly I don't feel depressed, I generally feel happy and content with life but still feel constantly pulled by these lives. I just want life to even out, lead to one path and have all my lives be put into one. I don't like holding anything back but feel pressured to hold many things back and tucked away.
I'm sick too my soul with hiding, tucking and pleasing other people. Life is happening too fast and my faster it goes the more lost I become in my own thoughts. I'm losing sense of myself...Who do I truly want to be?
I have a life that I lead, I feel in control of that. This holds no grey areas. This life is black or white. Right or Wrong.
There's other lives.... one with no obligations, one with pure passions, one with greed....
I want to be decluttered of all these rambling thoughts. I feel stuck in unhappiness. This sounds like depression I know but truly I don't feel depressed, I generally feel happy and content with life but still feel constantly pulled by these lives. I just want life to even out, lead to one path and have all my lives be put into one. I don't like holding anything back but feel pressured to hold many things back and tucked away.
I'm sick too my soul with hiding, tucking and pleasing other people. Life is happening too fast and my faster it goes the more lost I become in my own thoughts. I'm losing sense of myself...Who do I truly want to be?
11/27/2012
Not Forgotten
Its been awhile.
I almost forgot about this.
A lot of things have changed since my last post. we've moved again but that should come as no surprise. We actually have our own home now. I regretted the choice at first base on the amount of work that needed to be put into the house but if anything it just made the bond stronger to it. I care about this house a lot. A lot of time, effort, thought and work have gone into making it too even where it is today and there's still plenty to do.
Instead of dreading that like i have in the past, I look forward to it. I discover something new about it all the time it seems. Change my mind about a certain attitude towards it, or idea as well.
That thought apply to my life as well. It's .... "funny" to me how a simple thing like watching a movie or hearing a song can totally change my mood. I've been feeling very restless lately. I know why... but the reasons effect me greatly. Mot as greatly as one would expect though, I know i'm sounding cryptic but... secrets are meant to be hidden sometimes...
Watching the movie: The Secret of Kells this morning made me feel peaceful. Made me feel creative, calmed and settled. It made me feel like myself. Something that has been lacking lately.
Also these songs : Lana Del Ray - Born to Die & Major Lazer- Get Free have this effect on me last as well.
I think i'll be writing more... we'll see.
I almost forgot about this.
A lot of things have changed since my last post. we've moved again but that should come as no surprise. We actually have our own home now. I regretted the choice at first base on the amount of work that needed to be put into the house but if anything it just made the bond stronger to it. I care about this house a lot. A lot of time, effort, thought and work have gone into making it too even where it is today and there's still plenty to do.
Instead of dreading that like i have in the past, I look forward to it. I discover something new about it all the time it seems. Change my mind about a certain attitude towards it, or idea as well.
That thought apply to my life as well. It's .... "funny" to me how a simple thing like watching a movie or hearing a song can totally change my mood. I've been feeling very restless lately. I know why... but the reasons effect me greatly. Mot as greatly as one would expect though, I know i'm sounding cryptic but... secrets are meant to be hidden sometimes...
Watching the movie: The Secret of Kells this morning made me feel peaceful. Made me feel creative, calmed and settled. It made me feel like myself. Something that has been lacking lately.
Also these songs : Lana Del Ray - Born to Die & Major Lazer- Get Free have this effect on me last as well.
I think i'll be writing more... we'll see.
2/15/2011
New Ideas
I think I'll broach this blog with a new idea....
"Random thoughts" ; "Songs that have inspired me today" ; and possible "Rants" are going to be the new categories :)
Random Thoughts
"Random thoughts" ; "Songs that have inspired me today" ; and possible "Rants" are going to be the new categories :)
Random Thoughts
- I do not website designs were to go to "older entries" I have to hit a left sided button.... It feels completely backwards. (In a literal sense as well applies here too I suppose)
- It bothers me how much I over think or over prepare for everything. I feel like because I do this I often set up people around me for failure.
- I feel like I've been on a emotional roller coaster lately. Extreme highs and extreme lows (and yes i know I've just described bipolar/depression) BUT it's all based off of outside influence.
- People that have no regard to others emotions and are just plain rude... can suck a homeless leper's ingrown toenail!
That is all for today :)
7/15/2010
7/07/2010
Let me say I'm watching one of my favorite movies of all time courtesy of Netflix today.
Throughly Modern Millie.
Let me explain why:
Throughly Modern Millie.
Let me explain why:
Julie Andrews.
&
Mary Tyler Moore.
In the same movie.
If that isn't heaven... I clearly don't know what is.
Now please excuse me... I must give this movie my undivided attention.
6/27/2010
Sade
Nothing Can Come Between Us lyrics
I always hope that you remember
We'll never really learn the meaning of it all
What we have is strong and tender
So hold on
In the middle of the madness
When the time is running out and you're left alone
All I want is you to know that
It's strong still
Can't pull us apart
Nothing can come
Between us
Nothing can pull us apart
Can come
Between us
I always hope that you remember
What we have is strong and tender
In the middle of the madness
Hold on
So it truly is a good thing
And I always wanted you to know
There is always this
And this is everlasting
Hold on
It's about faith
It's about trust, yeah yeah
It's about faith
It's about trust
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
I always hope that you remember
We'll never really learn the meaning of it all
What we have is strong and tender
So hold on
In the middle of the madness
When the time is running out and you're left alone
All I want is you to know that
It's strong still
Can't pull us apart
Nothing can come
Between us
Nothing can pull us apart
Can come
Between us
I always hope that you remember
What we have is strong and tender
In the middle of the madness
Hold on
So it truly is a good thing
And I always wanted you to know
There is always this
And this is everlasting
Hold on
It's about faith
It's about trust, yeah yeah
It's about faith
It's about trust
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Nothing can come
Nothing can come
Nothing can come between us
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
Can come
Can tear
Can pull
Us apart
6/17/2010
Listening to my past
As stated from the previous posts.... I suppose what it all it boils down to: I'm bitter and resentful.
I HATE saying that.
I do not like nor wish to add those traits to my character analysis. They should not be there and as a follower in faith of Christ's teachings they DO NOT belong there.
I sit and question endlessly WHY I am... HOW I am... but then in deep through the process of understanding some type of resentful or bitter memory rears forth and bursts my struggle to break free.
I had a very ... profoundly life changing event happen 4 years ago. The only thing, truly, that brought me through that was my faith. There was a particular night in fact that I had a dream that made me realize how much I needed to rely on Christ.
I was all alone in my parents house wondering where and how to continue on with life, struggling my way through the memories, the very feeling of sinking deeper and deeper into a realm of darkness was ever present. I had drifted off into a restless sleep.
I don’t remember really how it started I just remembered all of a sudden being there. When I was there I first noticed just how black everything was, it was blacker then just plain black, and it was complete darkness. Emptiness, Loneliness and the feeling of complete despair was surrounding me.
Then the whispering started, they weren’t necessary all my sins but they were sins that everyone commits on a daily basis. Fingers came out then and started to trickle all over my surroundings. They were from the whispers, they then started to grope me all over, not in a sexual way, but it a way that confided me. I then started calling out for people I knew and loved; family,loved ones, some friends. Mostly of our despire and fear, I couldn't escape or move for that matter it seemed, I needed someone.
The whispering continued still and their fingers continued to move and confide. Nothing I was doing up to that point was helping. I saw a light then, a flash and then it was gone. So breif that if my eyes still hadn't burned from it's intensity I wouldn't have thought it had been there. Then a sudden stream shot through above me once again.
I tried to move forward but their fingers seemed to multiply and hold one to me still. It was then that I started to pray and quote scripture. The hands and fingers would aid and hinder at the same time depending on what I would recite I kept struggling and praying and striving towards the light. It seemed that I would finally get there and the light would shift and move somewhere else. I could only move when I was quoting and praying. I never got frustrated at the light, I only got frustrated with the whispers, their whispering had gotten louder and their fingers multiplying still. It seemed like the more I prayed and quoted the louder and more confiding they tried to become. I felt like it was because of them on me that the light kept moving.
The scriptures I was quoting were in full verse as well. Usually the verses I remember are in words, pieces, or mostly meaning not full complete verse. The one that I remember the most was when Jesus was tempted my Satan in the desert. I remember quoting that one because it seemed like while I was saying “water”, “bread”, “mountain” those scenes would flash before me.
They were truly VIVID scenes that would flash as well as if they were in the room with me, directly in front of me. I knew I was gaining on the whispering fingers after a while, but it seemed like I was getting nowhere and the helplessness was almost setting in. I had began to felt weak and tiresome, I stop struggling for a moment and leaned into the fingers for support, they softened and started to caress me as if to say "we'll hold you, rest now". But it was then that I prayed “Please Jesus Just let this Torture stop”.
I was then instantly awake and in my room. I felt like I shouldn’t have been there, it took my about 30 seconds to possibly a minute to recognize my room and realize where I actually was. My whole body was twitching and tingly as if I could still FEEL the fingers. The darkness of the night and room started to scare me and remind me of where I was so I turned on the lamp besides my bed, willing my body to calm down. My heart wasn't racing , just my body and mind. I felt confused and unsure of what just had happened to me. It took me awhile to realize myself as well, it seemed like I was re entering my body and had to remilitarize myself with it. I then laid back down and fell asleep with the light still on, not wanting the whispering fingers to come back.
I still think back to that moment and that dream quite frequently whenever I feel any type of flaw in myself come forth. Those whispered sins... Those voices.... The fingers. The complete and utter frustration towards my situation and how I couldn't do anything but listen to the torture, listen to the sins.Strive towards the light.
I do not like feeling my soul have bitterness and resentfulness, it makes me feel like I'm a part of those hands holding somebody else back because they need to HEAR my story. They need to HEAR why I am bitter, why I am resentful. But truly.... they have their own struggle and I need to start looking for the light again.
I HATE saying that.
I do not like nor wish to add those traits to my character analysis. They should not be there and as a follower in faith of Christ's teachings they DO NOT belong there.
I sit and question endlessly WHY I am... HOW I am... but then in deep through the process of understanding some type of resentful or bitter memory rears forth and bursts my struggle to break free.
I had a very ... profoundly life changing event happen 4 years ago. The only thing, truly, that brought me through that was my faith. There was a particular night in fact that I had a dream that made me realize how much I needed to rely on Christ.
I was all alone in my parents house wondering where and how to continue on with life, struggling my way through the memories, the very feeling of sinking deeper and deeper into a realm of darkness was ever present. I had drifted off into a restless sleep.
I don’t remember really how it started I just remembered all of a sudden being there. When I was there I first noticed just how black everything was, it was blacker then just plain black, and it was complete darkness. Emptiness, Loneliness and the feeling of complete despair was surrounding me.
Then the whispering started, they weren’t necessary all my sins but they were sins that everyone commits on a daily basis. Fingers came out then and started to trickle all over my surroundings. They were from the whispers, they then started to grope me all over, not in a sexual way, but it a way that confided me. I then started calling out for people I knew and loved; family,loved ones, some friends. Mostly of our despire and fear, I couldn't escape or move for that matter it seemed, I needed someone.
The whispering continued still and their fingers continued to move and confide. Nothing I was doing up to that point was helping. I saw a light then, a flash and then it was gone. So breif that if my eyes still hadn't burned from it's intensity I wouldn't have thought it had been there. Then a sudden stream shot through above me once again.
I tried to move forward but their fingers seemed to multiply and hold one to me still. It was then that I started to pray and quote scripture. The hands and fingers would aid and hinder at the same time depending on what I would recite I kept struggling and praying and striving towards the light. It seemed that I would finally get there and the light would shift and move somewhere else. I could only move when I was quoting and praying. I never got frustrated at the light, I only got frustrated with the whispers, their whispering had gotten louder and their fingers multiplying still. It seemed like the more I prayed and quoted the louder and more confiding they tried to become. I felt like it was because of them on me that the light kept moving.
The scriptures I was quoting were in full verse as well. Usually the verses I remember are in words, pieces, or mostly meaning not full complete verse. The one that I remember the most was when Jesus was tempted my Satan in the desert. I remember quoting that one because it seemed like while I was saying “water”, “bread”, “mountain” those scenes would flash before me.
They were truly VIVID scenes that would flash as well as if they were in the room with me, directly in front of me. I knew I was gaining on the whispering fingers after a while, but it seemed like I was getting nowhere and the helplessness was almost setting in. I had began to felt weak and tiresome, I stop struggling for a moment and leaned into the fingers for support, they softened and started to caress me as if to say "we'll hold you, rest now". But it was then that I prayed “Please Jesus Just let this Torture stop”.
I was then instantly awake and in my room. I felt like I shouldn’t have been there, it took my about 30 seconds to possibly a minute to recognize my room and realize where I actually was. My whole body was twitching and tingly as if I could still FEEL the fingers. The darkness of the night and room started to scare me and remind me of where I was so I turned on the lamp besides my bed, willing my body to calm down. My heart wasn't racing , just my body and mind. I felt confused and unsure of what just had happened to me. It took me awhile to realize myself as well, it seemed like I was re entering my body and had to remilitarize myself with it. I then laid back down and fell asleep with the light still on, not wanting the whispering fingers to come back.
I still think back to that moment and that dream quite frequently whenever I feel any type of flaw in myself come forth. Those whispered sins... Those voices.... The fingers. The complete and utter frustration towards my situation and how I couldn't do anything but listen to the torture, listen to the sins.Strive towards the light.
I do not like feeling my soul have bitterness and resentfulness, it makes me feel like I'm a part of those hands holding somebody else back because they need to HEAR my story. They need to HEAR why I am bitter, why I am resentful. But truly.... they have their own struggle and I need to start looking for the light again.
6/15/2010
Tug of War
So I've been playing this game for the last few days. As in since Sat. Evening. It's Sims 3
I used to play the Sims when I was in college or high school or something... ( gosh that's sad I can't remember... ) but anyway ... I got really into then and now I am again. I also have come to conclude WHY I get so addicted as well.
I used to play the Sims when I was in college or high school or something... ( gosh that's sad I can't remember... ) but anyway ... I got really into then and now I am again. I also have come to conclude WHY I get so addicted as well.
- The building of the house. I LOVE it. I think it's the funnest part of the game... It's just super interesting and completely distracting too me.
- The distraction in general. It's on of the few games that clears my head of thought. I don't have a "i should..." "i need...." or "crap..." going on at all. It's not like I zone out b/c well... I have a 1 year old... I can't... BUT it stops the worry
- The money spending and career goals. I have said once before how I use Retail Therapy to mule through things and when you have a young family, it's not a good form of therapy for sure. In the game... you can become a millionaire in a day and spend spend spend... SO... it takes that need away for me. Careers in it excel super fast... you get promoted and move up and on really fast. Again...it's another "me living through the game" moment. It's not like i want to be super wealthy or have a super busy crazy job. I just like the "having a nest and feeling comfortable" aspect of it. Where in real life it's more like "let's see.... diapers or 3 days worth of food?" ... thhht. :P
But...yea there's some few things I've mulled over. Now let's explain WHY I've had to mull over. Ever since i started playing... Sat. Evening mind you... Proto Man is going crazy that I'm addicted. He's acting like a little kid almost at times with whining about how I need to get off. I'm not neglecting any duties, I'm not spending LONG hours playing... but he's insistent that I'm "addicted" and constantly nags me about it. I did play until 3am that first night. (yes i know thats late) and he FREAKED. " i can't believe you stayed up that late, if you talk about being tired today i'm not sympathetic, we have a baby "what if she woke up at 4 or 5?! you would have only gotten an hour of sleep" So... yea some are valid points but I looked beyond that and just kept hearing the selfishness of it.
Proto Man is selfish in many aspects. It's the unknowing but also not caring selfish. He's the kind of selfish that if we're all at a party he'll have 2nds or 3rds w/o asking if everyone has had 1sts yet. and if called out on it he'll just shrug and say "opps" or "my bad" or "oh sorry" but then continue to load his plate.
but yea... I don't like being accused of being addicted to something after 2 days of playing it (where again really...he HAS no room to talk about games or technology time spending) and also being accused of playing the game during T's naps as "what about our baby?!" talks to come forth.
blah!!! i'm just upset. and of course... same ol' same ol' me will just bottle it up and not talk b/c I don't want to OVER explain things and listen to senseless logic.
Yes that was mean but dang it.... there's some resentment right now.
=P!
6/10/2010
Full
Lately I have been having a lot of different book idea but then still... sit in front of the one I have started and NEED to finish and write a page or two and then make myself distracted. thhhht.. I don't want to start on any others before I finish this one.
I've been wanting to modify my tattoo lately. I have ideas but I have to sketch them out some more.
I took a quiz the other day and it told me this:
It's funny how I'll take tests like this and believe them but then someone I live with and interact with on a daily basis tells me something about myself or suggests something and I act put off or offended . ...
I've not been in the mood lately to share many thoughts. In fact I almost feel selfish to the point where I'm holding back too much. When I realize I am I almost get a lazy attitude for not wanting to contribute anymore.
I have been looking a lot at myself lately and how lazy I have become. No ambition to anything above the normal and whats expected.
Too much to think about ....
I've been wanting to modify my tattoo lately. I have ideas but I have to sketch them out some more.
I took a quiz the other day and it told me this:
It's funny how I'll take tests like this and believe them but then someone I live with and interact with on a daily basis tells me something about myself or suggests something and I act put off or offended . ...
I've not been in the mood lately to share many thoughts. In fact I almost feel selfish to the point where I'm holding back too much. When I realize I am I almost get a lazy attitude for not wanting to contribute anymore.
I have been looking a lot at myself lately and how lazy I have become. No ambition to anything above the normal and whats expected.
Too much to think about ....
6/06/2010
I am nobodies little weasel
So... to go along with the previous post of the movies I could watch over and over....
I am watching Amélie (French: Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain meaning "The Fabulous Destiny of Amélie Poulain") for the 2nd time in a week.
This movie speaks to me a lot. I get so lost in the colors, language, randomness, plot, humor... ugh I just LOVE it. I honestly feel like I pick something new up every time I watch it.
Through this movie i have found out that French calms me and I could just sit and listen to it in a movie or in a song and not care at all what they're saying.
To capture few of the beautiful moments:
I am watching Amélie (French: Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain meaning "The Fabulous Destiny of Amélie Poulain") for the 2nd time in a week.
This movie speaks to me a lot. I get so lost in the colors, language, randomness, plot, humor... ugh I just LOVE it. I honestly feel like I pick something new up every time I watch it.
Through this movie i have found out that French calms me and I could just sit and listen to it in a movie or in a song and not care at all what they're saying.
To capture few of the beautiful moments:
Cover I've never seen before... Love it!
The music of this movie is beautiful!
Randomness and Color
Again....This movie....Is a part of me.
6/05/2010
Just a Few...
Some movies I know I could watch over and over again without hesitation :
- A League of their Own
- Amelie
- Back to the Future (all 3)
- Wayne's World
- The Breakfast Club
- Little Women
- Peggy Sue got Married
- So I Married an Axe Murder
- Thoroughly Modern Millie
- You've Got Mail
- When Harry meet Sally
- Clueless
- French Kiss
- Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
- The Wedding Singer
Just too name a few..... ;)
6/04/2010
All Things
Time passes in moments... moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end.
How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.
But what if we could stop, pause; to take stock of each precious moment before it passes?
Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life?
And, seeing those choices, choose another path?
How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.
But what if we could stop, pause; to take stock of each precious moment before it passes?
Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life?
And, seeing those choices, choose another path?
6/03/2010
For what it's worth
Another thing I've noticed while trying to find blogs to follow.
There are catagories I have found that are ...overly blogged about:
So... needless to say... I'm having a hard time following anyone who just wants to blog and be an anonymity to me. :: Le Sigh::
There are catagories I have found that are ...overly blogged about:
- Beauty / Make-up/ Products
- Food
- Blogs being foreign languages (which "yea i know" can't be helped that I'm monolingual)
- Case studies on cultures or foreign lands.
- Scrap booking
So... needless to say... I'm having a hard time following anyone who just wants to blog and be an anonymity to me. :: Le Sigh::
Tomorrow never Knows
Yes it has been a few days. I was sick though so forgive me. It's wasn't a knocking on death's door kinda sick it was the allergies/cold/borderline crossing flu symptoms. Basically it was enough to making me feel like my head was going to pop from the pressure and the constant need to want to rip my throat out.
If it helps... I constantly thought of new things to write about on here as far as subject matters go but then as I sit here today...they elude me or disinterest me at the moment. Another side note is I am a horrible speller unbeknown to you. So far I have had to correct about 10 words. wow-za. 0_o
Once again after reading my previous blogs I feel the need to input that truly, I am not depressed. I'm not doing this out of a self denial or anything deep and brooding like that. It's just truly... I have thoughts I don't voice through and instead of bottling them up as I always do .. (character flaw) I try to bury them down in my minds trash bin but they always rear their ugliness until unleashed. SO speaking of that ugliness ...the first few blogs were basically my throwing up (ew... gross I know) those buried emotions.
Lately in all honestly I have been counting my endless blessings. I truly do have a wonderful husband who; yes I'll be the first to admit , frustrates me to no end sometimes. He honestly puts up with a lot of ...for lack of better terms... buried emotions from me. He is a wonderful father to our daughter.
Our daughter. Before children you always hear people quoteing and rambling on about how much children change your life and make you feel like a deeper person. Before Miss. T I took their opinions with a grain of salt. Yes..."no duh" children change your life. But is wasn't until we started living our daily lives with her constant reminders that she's here, relying on us, needing us, loving us, laughing with us and is miniature versions of the two of us ;does it truly hit you. My life if different. My life is truly full of love and graciousness. Not only from the fact of having a beautiful healthy daughter. A healthy, fun loving and full of life husband. But just in the aspect that the Lord has truly provided for me in life, and continues to open up new doors and windows for me.
Love-
Zippywhip
If it helps... I constantly thought of new things to write about on here as far as subject matters go but then as I sit here today...they elude me or disinterest me at the moment. Another side note is I am a horrible speller unbeknown to you. So far I have had to correct about 10 words. wow-za. 0_o
Once again after reading my previous blogs I feel the need to input that truly, I am not depressed. I'm not doing this out of a self denial or anything deep and brooding like that. It's just truly... I have thoughts I don't voice through and instead of bottling them up as I always do .. (character flaw) I try to bury them down in my minds trash bin but they always rear their ugliness until unleashed. SO speaking of that ugliness ...the first few blogs were basically my throwing up (ew... gross I know) those buried emotions.
Lately in all honestly I have been counting my endless blessings. I truly do have a wonderful husband who; yes I'll be the first to admit , frustrates me to no end sometimes. He honestly puts up with a lot of ...for lack of better terms... buried emotions from me. He is a wonderful father to our daughter.
Our daughter. Before children you always hear people quoteing and rambling on about how much children change your life and make you feel like a deeper person. Before Miss. T I took their opinions with a grain of salt. Yes..."no duh" children change your life. But is wasn't until we started living our daily lives with her constant reminders that she's here, relying on us, needing us, loving us, laughing with us and is miniature versions of the two of us ;does it truly hit you. My life if different. My life is truly full of love and graciousness. Not only from the fact of having a beautiful healthy daughter. A healthy, fun loving and full of life husband. But just in the aspect that the Lord has truly provided for me in life, and continues to open up new doors and windows for me.
Love-
Zippywhip
5/31/2010
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